Wednesday, July 25, 2012

singleness

one of the coolest parts of working at new denver church is that i get to sit down and talk with a lotta young adults.  i love it.  there are a lot of things that we talk about: life, faith, singleness, jesus, singleness, work, singleness, and singleness (i'm only slightly exaggerating).

if i'm honest, i've done an okay job with my own singleness.  until recently.  i was talking to a friend the other day, matt patch, and we were talking about life as a 29 year old single guy.  he suggested that it's harder to be single now because we're both 29, staring the big 3-0 in the face.  i think he's right.

i think he's right for a lot of reasons: there's some societal pressures...some pressures from my friends/family (even if they're unspoken).  most crippling of all, though, are the pressures i put on myself.  after all, i'm 29...i should be married by now...i should be well on my way towards a house in the suburbs, with 2.3 children, and a white picket fence.  i should, i should, i should.    

and sometimes i beat myself up for wanting a relationship...like it's not something i should want.  

photo via
but a lot of us are like that.  sometimes it's hard being single.  if you're 18, it's hard.  if you're 39, it's hard.  single is single...and it's hard (again, sometimes).  and often times we beat ourselves up over it...we beat ourselves up for wanting a relationship.

but there's a reason for why it's hard.  there's a reason why we want a relationship.  i think it helps us understand what we were born for...because the bible tells us that we were born for intimacy.  we were born for intimacy with god, with others, and with ourselves.

we were born with this strong and innate desire for intimacy.  so, it's no wonder we single folk long to be in a significant relationship, right?  it's no wonder why married folk desire to have deep friendships.  it's biblical.  it's adam and eve.  it's our parents.  it's our friends.  it's all around us.

that said, it's in this longing for intimacy that many of us can turn to desperation and get in trouble.  we settle: we date someone we know we're not supposed to, we let the desire for intimacy encompass our thoughts, we turn to unhealthy dependancies with friends (same sex and opposite sex), we open the computer screen, we "act out" sexually...the list goes on and on.

but, as one of my favorite pastors says:

"purity paves the way to intimacy"

it's in our singleness that we have the ability to prepare ourselves for future intimacy.  instead of turning to unhealthy desperation, we have the ability to turn to healthy relationships, purity, and friends.  


and guess what?  it's okay to want to be in a relationship.  there's nothing wrong with it.  let's stop beating ourselves up for longing to be in an intimate relationship.  that's how god created us.  let's just embrace it, call it what it is, and move on.

so, as we walk through singleness together...let's stay pure and not get desperate.  and it's there that we'll find true intimacy...with god, with others, and with ourselves.  and pray that your future spouse is walking the same path.  

much love.

(this post inspired while listening to this song)

______________________________

##7/26 update##

wow, i've been floored by the popularity of this post...maybe i shoulda proof read it one more time or used caps.  oops.  thanks for reading and thanks for spreading the good word.

as i wrote this i recognized it didn't address the struggles that married folk face.  i'm alright with that.  i still love married folk but just didn't want this to be a 3 page blog.  and it's perfect because my friend and co-worker, stephen redden, just posted a response blog titled: "not single."  it's so good.  check it out.   

34 comments:

  1. seriously so glad you're blogging again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks for following along, hope. you're great.

      Delete
  2. A really well written Blog! Enjoyed reading!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks, austie poo. you, mon, and sawyer have been in the forefront of my prayers. love you lots.

      Delete
  3. Very well said! Miss ya, think and pray for you often!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks for your prayers, missy! miss you, too! hope you're great...your family is beautiful!

      Delete
  4. Yep you nailed it!!! never easy is it?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you! and thanks for reading.

      most of the time, no. but there's a lot of opportunity for it to be better!

      Delete
  5. Thank you so much for posting this. So so very encouraging! As I turned 20- and then 21- and now 22- and have not had any super serious relationships. And have had so much pressure from my family and from other friends. And while most of my friends are married, buying houses, having babies, adopting... I have to remind myself that I do not want to settle. That God is there. That He knows what He is doing. That I need to be patient. That there is no rush. And that I do not need to worry about if "all the good guys are taken". SO. Ha. All that to say- thanks for this post!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you very much for reading...and sharing a piece of your heart. you're right, none of us have to worry...there's a plan. keep following him! much love.

      Delete
  6. Love your posts Daniel,

    Here's a tidbit from a married dude: Married life is awesome and good. However, like all of life it will have its ups and downs, and--just as singles need to--my eyes need to remain on the Lord first and foremost. I've known many broken hearts from people who entered marriage with expectations on their spouse that only the Lord could fulfill.

    Love ya bro

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks for reading, matty!

      yup, you're so right. stephen and i talked about it for a bit tonight (he's posting a "married" response soon). i knew this blog has a lot of shortcomings...namely, it doesn't address the loneliness/desperation/etc. that a married person goes through...which i can abstractly relate to...but this is coming from my heart, as a single.

      love you, too, brohaus.

      Delete
    2. No worries bro. The truth of the story is that singles and marrieds are usually a lot more alike than they are different. They just don't always know it.

      Delete
    3. amen. dude, i couldn't agree more. i think that's a natural human condition...we're ALL alike but no one knows it or admits it.

      Delete
  7. Thank you for sharing this. A friend referred me to your blog as we had just been talking about singleness...this was very encouraging especially to hear a guy's perspective. Thank you for being open, honest and vulnerable in the blogging world :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you for reading! i can't speak for every guy out there...but this is my experience...and the experience of a few of my close friends! a lotta love.

      Delete
  8. I enjoyed reading this and could definitely relate as a single lady two weeks shy of turning 32 (I think that's the right number...you really do start to lose count after 30! lol)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahah. i can kinda feel ya on that, michelle, i'm losing track, too! thank you very much for reading!

      Delete
  9. Thanks for sharing this, Dan. Like you said, we often don't realize how much we have in common with those around us because we're afraid to talk about the hard stuff.
    Having the perspective that I do, I have been able to (as of late) enjoy being single. Everything that Stephen wrote rings true. As a single person, even with a son, I have a lot of freedom to just do what I want to do and follow God where he leads me without having to compromise too much. And I'm enjoying that while it lasts because I know all too well how much compromise is involved in marriage. That doesn't mean I don't walk around with a deep ache for "my person". And I believe that if I do marry again, it will be much different from the marriage I have already experienced. Which leads me also to be able to have more patience than I had in my early 20s. Because marrying someone who is not suited for you is, well, pretty painful.
    Anywho...this is obviously a popular topic. And I think that's mostly because of the point you made at the beginning. Sometimes we think we're not supposed to want a romantic relationship so we feel guilty for wanting one and try not to want one, only to want one. Our enemy really knows his tricks.
    I'm going to stop writing now. :)
    Thanks Dan.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. erin! thanks so much for reading and your comment. you do have a unique perspective, one i greatly admire, thanks for sharing some of your thoughts. i hope things in texas are going well, say hi to jackson for me.

      and i'm looking forward to your blog about this subject soon ;)

      Delete
  10. God saves his best for those who leave the choice to Him. Or as you say, "there's a win stacked in the deck." Beautiful, inspiring reminder, Danny. Lm

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks, LM. you're great and i appreciate your support!

      Delete
  11. Dan, thank you for your post. I'm a friend of Stephen Redden and saw a link to your post in his Twitter. I'll be hitting the big 4-0 in February and think about this all the time. My heart's desire is to be married and have a family, but it's not in God's timing for me right now. Unfortunately patience is not one of my strong qualities and God's been working on my with that. Keep up the great work on your blog!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks, scott! many blessings to you, brother. much love.

      Delete
  12. Dan, I appreciate your post and I agree with most of the points you made, however, there is one thing that I take issue with (and please correct me if I'm wrong). I feel like there is this over-arching theme that "singleness" is just this waiting area where we can be happy and content but never truly fulfilled until that "special someone" comes into our life. Let me say I do, however, have a unique perspective on this issue. I am a Christian guy in my mid 20's who is not attracted to women, I am attracted to guys. Though this part of my story does not define me, it does have a few implications on my life, for instance, marriage. I firmly believe that marriage is between one man and one woman and given my situation I have chosen to live a life of purity according to God’s word. That being said, I can’t help but feel like marriage is a measure of success not only in our culture, but also in our churches. And, if you never get married, you are looked at differently or thought of as weird. I do believe that we are designed for intimacy and to be in relationship, and that marriage was created by God for man as a gift. But I don’t believe that marriage is a promise from God, and we can’t simply “walk through” our single lives waiting for God to fulfill a promise he never made. I think we need to live our lives married to Christ and if one day God brings us a spouse, that’s awesome; if he doesn’t then that’s awesome too. After all, Paul was never married but was completely in God’s will. If the measure of success is whether one gets married, then where does that leave someone like me who may never get married? Just wanted to add another perspective into the mix! Thanks again for your post and thoughts on the subject!

    Sincerely – Another single Christian brother.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i for real love these thoughts. why don't ya guest post for me ;) love you.

      Delete
  13. Dan, thanks for writing this. I often beat myself up for longing for a relationship. However, rather than embracing my singleness, loneliness, and the longings that go with them, I think it is a great opportunity to reach out to others, as opposed to internalizing my feelings. So, while I feel single and alone because I don't have an intimate relationship, there are others who are on their own who don't even have friend. While i'm sitting home alone eating a meal, there are others who don't have the comfort of food to fill their empty stomachs. All that to say, I think it is good to embrace singleness, but I think the purity of singleness is forged in reaching out in compassion, and not egotistical self-loathing guised in sanctimonious talk about self-embrace. Sorry if that's harsh, but there are many problems in the world, and among them all signeless doesn't make the list.

    would love to keep the conversation open, johnny.d.dykes@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks for your reply and your perspective, johnny. much love.

      Delete
  14. Thank you so very much for this. It was exactly what I needed to hear today. Funny how God does that! I was married at 20 and divorced 27 years later. It has been an experience learning to live "alone". But thanks to our heavenly Father, I know I am not alone! I just sometimes get to feeling blue but this blog and the reply from Anonymous really put things in perspective! God Bless you both and thank you for blessing me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks so much for commenting. if you're interested...i'd love to hear your thoughts on singleness (and maybe have ya guest blog). if you're interested please email me: dansnyder2@gmail.com

      Delete
  15. love this Dan! I also see that there are so many people who can just open up to you and be who they are. You are no judge but a lover! They see that! Singleness for me is not a curse as some may think but has been one of blessing and adventure. Sure I desire a dangerous Mad of God...but until then I live my life the fullest I can now...not one days when...I want my life NOW to be the testimony that will speak of God's great faithfulness...not just when I am married. MUCH LOVE in D town and give a sweet hug to my loves the Telfers (all 3 of them)!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. tara!!!
      how's that bird tattoo? crazyyyyy! thanks so much for your comment...i really appreciate you and YOUR willingness to be open and honest. people flock to you (similar to your bird tat)...honestly, joking aside, i mean that! lotta love for you! and yes, imma hug the telfs for you stat!!!

      Delete
  16. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  17. We all have a desire to find a relationship at any age. I can relate to what you are saying. I just turned 33 the day you posted this blog and it breaks my heart to say that I have already been divorced once because I too wanted to have desire to be married with 2.3 kids and the little white picket fence. And although I have been a Christian all my life, I did what most of do, and when looking for it on my free will and didn't wait patiently for the Lord. I was about your age when I got married because I knew if I waited for the BIG 3-0 it wouldn't happen. The consequences of my actions were drastic and emotionally, physically and spiritually I suffered. Four years after a rough and rocky marriage, I filed for divorce and left my husband. When I did that, I felt like my dream was gone and I didn't want to face the reality that I was Single yet again.

    A year and half, I can now say that I have healed. Yes, we were designed for intimacy. We were built to be loved and not be alone. Remember what God said in Genesis 2:18 "It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable to him." One thing I have learned in my life is that eventhough at this present moment and in the years to come, yet while I am still SINGLE, I am not alone. I have intimate relationship with Him and a strong bond with my family and friends. So eventhough we remain single at any age, whether it be 29, 33, or 60....we will have that true intimacy...with god, with others, and with ourselves.

    Robyn Johnston
    rsjohnston79@yahoo.com

    ReplyDelete