aurora shootings

i was up late last night.  i haven't been sleeping too well recently.

and last night, at about 2AM, i saw a news flash about the shooting via twitter.  being the nerdy former cop that i am, i turned on the police scanner and sat in disbelief as i heard aurora PD talk about the shooting.

the scene commander started asking for victim counts from each hospital.  10 at one.  9 at another.  20 at another.  bodies in the theater.  i sat in disbelief.  the count was around 40 shot. unreal. (currently the count is: 71 total shot, 12 dead)

photo via

this morning i woke up to a buncha of texts wondering if i was okay (thanks, by the way).  yup, i'm fine.  physically.  but, if i'm honest, emotionally...i'm kinda struggling.

as i've thought about it, i've realized that i'm struggling because this is such a tragic event...that hits in my backyard...again.  10+ years ago i sat in an aurora high school classroom when i heard about columbine.  like then, i don't have a personal connection with anyone who was shot (that i know of anyways...victim names haven't been released yet).   i know a couple of the fire/cops who showed up (to both)...know a couple people who were in the theater or library...but it doesn't really affect me personally.

but it's still hard to hear about.  it affects me.  it affects us.
perhaps it's because i'm forced to face reality: this is a jacked up world we live in.  violence, murder, death.   there's no way to explain it.

or maybe it's a sense of helplessness.  i want so badly to do something, to help someone.  but, honestly, there's nothing i can really do.

maybe it's something else.  honestly, i'm not sure, there's just a lotta confusion.  and that's normal.

but i've come to this: prayer.  i've been praying for everyone i can think of: victims, family members, friends, first responders, others who are feeling the way i am (just heavy)...and for the suspect and his family and friends.  we all need the grace of god right now.  for real.

it's been quite the summer here in colorado: two murdered cops, wildfires, and now this.  please say a prayer for our beautiful state.  we need it.

much love.

##update, 7/21##

news of more victims are coming out.  i don't have any direct relationship with any of them...but lots of friends do.  so sad.

if i'm honest: watching the 24 hour news coverage of the shootings is like an addiction.  i don't wanna watch but find myself captivated by it.  i've literally had to make the decision to turn the TV off (or turn on friday night lights, haha)...and get back into "normal" life routines.

check back tomorrow...i'll be posting a blog about what i learned as a cop from columbine, platte canyon, and the theater.  in the mean time, hug a first responder.

##update 7/22##
decided not to publish the blog on past shootings, felt uneasy about it. ml.